I'M SENDING YOU TO THE PHILIPPINES

The party was bursting with a cacophony of sounds; people gabbing, children either whining or wailing, teenagers chortling, men guffawing, birds chirping amidst the videoke music blaring from the humongous plasma TV. Although these sounds seem to drown into the air, meaningless as it may seem, I could hear their conversations. And it went like these;

Woman 1: You know, it’s hard to raise kids.

Woman 2: It’s harder to raise them here in America.

Woman 3: Especially raising a girl. I don’t want my girl looking like a little whore just like everyone else I see around.

Woman 2:  Yea…boys too. They grow up so fast here.

Woman 1: I still want my kids to be kids as long as they’re supposed to be kids.

Woman 3: But here, it’s hard to control them not to  ‘coz they see everybody around them  acting like adults. So they talk back. And act like they know much better.

Another lady joined, tugging along her 4 -year old boy, proclaiming, “ Well, I tell my boy, if he doesn’t obey Mommy and Daddy, I’ll send him back to the Philippines where there is no 911. “

Honestly, this phrase sounds familiar. I’ve heard this for, probably the nth time now. Last week, my best friend Julie, now living in Maryland, called me on the phone and in an exasperating voice,  cried out to me “ I will definitely send Nicole back to the Philippines if she goes against my will. It’s now more taxing for me to discipline her and she’s only 11.”

When Julie told me this, I remember an acquaintance of mine related a story about her woeful tales of disciplining her 5 -year old boy. She said. Once her son threatened her by calling 911 if she wouldn’t stop scolding him by giving him a timeout. The boy told his mother that he’d tell the cops that his mother was trying to stab him with a knife. The mother instead dragged him and said, “Before you even gonna do that, I’m really going to kill you. And if I can’t kill you, I’ll put you in a suitcase where I can send you back to the Philippines where no 911 can come to rescue you and hear your lies.”

That was quite radical. Sounds incredulous but I think it is true.

“I’m sending you back to the Philippines” explicitly conveys that this is a desperate attempt when families are in distress over disciplining their children, especially among Filipinos.

Most parents are either too exhausted or too perplexed on how to discipline their children here in America. Parenting is not rocket-science but every parent I know is pushed beyond limits. Why parenting becomes like a stickler for every parent is probably the result of too much exposure to the wrong images and perceptions, wrong social environment, wrong priorities and misplaced values.

TV is one of the major culprits in influencing behavior and choices for children. Followed by technology such as video games and digital devices, information is easily relayed to children. The bad thing is; there’s too much of the wrong kind of information.

To add to it, the absence of a “unified faith” in most American schools can exacerbate the travails of disciplining children. Without the schools teaching about God and values that most busy parents often neglect to do by themselves, children, often, are in a quandary as to who is the ideal and supreme authority of all.  That’s why they end up vulnerable to anything damaging. Worse, the parents are helpless and frustrated because most oftentimes "talking and making compromises" with children don't work.  Either the children turn the scariest brats or egoistic hang-up immature adults.

Though I am not a parent, I had been working with children for several years of my life,  and with a husband for a teacher in elementary for 11 years, we  know that  children are actually at risk, and are the victims of  our society. We expect them to be adults when they are kids, and when they are adults we want them to behave as kids. We teach them how to respect themselves but we can never ask respect from them. We ask them to give importance to their own esteem but fail to teach them to also give importance to others.  A lot of people think spanking produces perilous psychological impacts to the child when he becomes an adult. But more often than not, not laying out to children the right ideals, principles and values, will always predict an immature, unhappy adult with a lot of hang-ups.

In our tiny country, 911 exists to rescue people during emergencies and crimes. But never, never, never for family affairs. Instead, there is the Bantay  Bata (translates to Child(ren) Guard). The Bantay Bata, a foundation for helping physically abused children aims to save them by providing them food, shelter and protection away from the dangerous parent.  Although they are actively engaged in capturing abusive parents with the active participation of the police, Bantay Bata can never meddle anyone’s method of discipline until proven that the child is actually physically abused.

A child calling 911 in our tiny islands-nation in his hopes to make the police nab his parents is never assured that his cries would in turn produce the outcome he desired. In fact, spanking is tolerated. As I grew up, my siblings and I revere our parents as the authorities themselves. They spanked us and now that we are adults, we know way much better than just “spanking alone.” In our tiny nation, kids, although not perfect, place great esteem on their parent’s authority, knowing that punishing our wrong deeds is a method of “correction” to train us to be responsible, mature and happy adults.

My uncle who had just arrived in the US became frustrated one day while his grandchildren were hysterically flaring their tempers. He attempted to spank the kids with his slippers, but stopped midway recalling the law. So, he said to his daughter, (my cousin and the mother), “I think that whenever they give you a hard time, tell them I’ll bring them to the Philippines.” My cousin nodded in agreement.

By October, I am going to undergo IVF treatments hoping to bear a child soon. I said to my husband, “I think I’m going to send our child to the Philippines when they enter school because I’m scared of how he is  going to turn up to be if he's educated here.”

My husband responded, “No, we’re not letting our child stay there. We’re going tell our child if he misbehaves and disobeys,  ‘We’re going to send you to the Philippines where there is no 911 ‘ That’s our scare-tactics.” Hmmm....Sounds like a bright idea.

Blustering our children with a kind of distress call, “Kids, we’ll send you to the Philippines, if you give Mommy a hard time,” might probably work. I am not sure. But it’s not dangerous to give it a try, at least for me.

I know I can handle and rear great children---I’ll bring them up the way our parents raised us, in the traditional way focusing on one supreme authority, God. Instilling moral values and a passion to worship God are my top-most agenda. Realizing this will be difficult in such a society, I am constantly praying to God that He will instruct me on how to teach my children.  With God, nothing is impossible. Even parenting can be a little bit easier.

If we allow God to give us wisdom about parenting, “Call 911 to tell on parents to cops “will be a thing of the past. It maybe useless in the long run.

Now I have these questions for you. Dish out to me your pieces of mind.

Do you think 911 authorities should not meddle with family affairs such as discipline? Should the school be more concerned in disciplining their own students rather than meddling in internal family affairs ?

SHARE THIS POST:

Comments

[Mel Avila Alarilla]

Hi Bingkee,
You have quite a lot of information in your post. Let me tackle them one by one. First of all, I will join you in praying that the Lord will bless you with a child of your own. That will complete your family and bring untold joy to you and your husband. Upbringing in the US is indeed a big problem for Filipino migrants. The culture there is vastly different than in the Philippines. Children should be brought up in the fear of the Lord and to walk in His ways. They should attend their Sunday school in church to compensate for the lack of Christian rearing in schools. I think 911 is overreacting to calls by kids. They should never interfere with parents discipline of their kids except when abuse is clearly visible. Thanks for the post. God bless you always.

[Mel Avila Alarilla]

Hi Bingkee,
You have quite a lot of information in your post. Let me tackle them one by one. First of all, I will join you in praying that the Lord will bless you with a child of your own. That will complete your family and bring untold joy to you and your husband. Upbringing in the US is indeed a big problem for Filipino migrants. The culture there is vastly different than in the Philippines. Children should be brought up in the fear of the Lord and to walk in His ways. They should attend their Sunday school in church to compensate for the lack of Christian rearing in schools. I think 911 is overreacting to calls by kids. They should never interfere with parents discipline of their kids except when abuse is clearly visible. Thanks for the post. God bless you always.

[tina]

I'm not Filipino, but I want to threaten to send my kids to the Phillipines too! Am I allowed to?

An interesting tale of 911. My sister called them once on my mom. The cops showed up and basically told my sister she was a fool and to start obeying my parents because she doesn't know how good she has it. So not all 911 calls end up with mom and dad behind bars - luckily many 911 responders have common sense.

One thing I agree with: I don't want my kids to go to school here in the USA. The values are not there at all - not like when I was in school. Nowadays the children hold too much power and any attempts to discipline them basically fail because of weak administrators at the school. And the kids learn all the wrong things from their peers. It's not what I want for my children.

I wish you great success with your IVF. I didn't know that was what you meant when you mentioned having children.

[marie]

hi Bingkee! This is a very sensible entry.All I can say is that if you rear up a child in God's ways, I don't think sending them to the Philippines or calling 911 will be necessary. God Bless and wish you all the best on your IVF treatment.

[marie]

hi Bingkee! This is a very sensible entry.All I can say is that if you rear up a child in God's ways, I don't think sending them to the Philippines or calling 911 will be necessary. God Bless and wish you all the best on your IVF treatment.

[keleric]

Hi there Bingkee, very interesting post. I have been and lived in the Philippines for quite some time. And I have been and lived in the U.S. for quite some time as well. Despite the differences in both countries...whether it be culture, traditions, or society for that matter... I strongly believe that they share a common flaw when raising children. The lack of communing between parent and child. Parents can bring their kids to church and yet fail to provide them the parenting they need. I am religious yes and do believe that God should be part of the lives of a family. But to truly parent a kid with the least amount of flaws is to talk to the kid, to be united with the kid, to be his/her parent and his/her very best friend, to constantly watch him/her and to never stop guiding them from the day that they are born until your very last days on earth. Always be concerned, and show interest in everything the child does. To teach the child purely what is right and wrong. The lack of parent involvement with the child's daily life is the main problem. I am not saying with all cases....but the majority. Poor and rich, The western world or asia.....this is the common problem. Nobody nor any organization should interfere with parenting not unless the parents are not acting as parents and doing foolish things like drugs or abusing their children...then ofcourse that is a different story. Here in the United States the majority of parents allow their kids to 'grow' to fast by tolerating too much of the outside influences and not spending enough time talking and stabilizing strict rules that should coincide with their ages accordingly. In the Philippines, a lot of the middle and upper class families tend to leave the children with 'yayas' and thus reducing the much needed time to raise the children on their own. I have seen all of these flaws with my own eyes. They are automatic flaws theoretically because of the undeniable fact that these tolerances and lack of time with children gradually damages the kid whether you accept it or not. The cure: to stop entertaining these bad parenting practices I have mentioned and to be a parent 100%. Yes parents have to work, yes parents can't be there all the time......yes there are other factors involved, but the parenting starts with the parents themselves. Parents have the choice. Make the right choice.

[Ria]

This has always been one of my mothers concerns when we moved to the UK, Ive always overheard her talking to her friends that its better to raise kids in the Philippines than abroad. But in my personal experience even though I was influenced a lot by the British culture, the values and morals that my mother taught me when I was young stayed within me when I was growing up. I never once told my mum that I will call the authorities on her if she ever smacked me or even spoke back to her in a rude manner. She has threatened once or twice before to send me back and that always scared the hell out of me. And I know for a fact that if I ever got the police involved in our domestic arguments that there will be hell to pay afterwards!

I think these days kids knows their rights and are not afraid to use them, but I think its wrong for the authorities to meddle in family affairs unless theres a clear sign of abuse.

I pray for you Bingkee and your wish to become a parent one day, even though Ive only known you for a little while, I know you and your husband will be great parents. God bless you xxx

[Joy]

"Woman 3: But here, it’s hard to control them not to ‘coz they see everybody around them acting like adults. So they talk back. And act like they know much better."
Grabeh..bago lang me deri sa Aussie pero dali kaayo nausab mga attitude akoa mga kids..nawala na mga opo at po at yang number 3 conversation nayan..nakakarelate ako..alam mo pag ganyan reaction mga anak ko, tatahimik ako and feels like crying..then maaawa naman sila sakin..hahaha ang drama ko toinks!

[Babette]

I have two kids (9 and 4) and I don't threaten them that I'll send them to the Philippines. I tell them that I'll go back to the Phils. LOL -joke- My kids get time outs and have certain priveleges revoked. Raising kids here in the US is not hard by any means, it is the same anywhere in the world. Values are not learned in school, it is taught by the parents. Some parents expect too much from the teachers. Teachers are not there to teach your kid what's right and what's wrong, that's the role of the parents. Some parents are just too busy do their primary job, which is 'parenting.' I think that as long as the parents are involved with their kids' lives and spend time with them, they will grow up to be responsible adults.

[Bill]

Hi Binkee,
This is becoming and on going problem here in the USA. It really started in 1962 when they took prayer out of the schools. We have a ten year old son and i am blessed because he is a very good child. Yes he has his moments but he has been here for 3 years now. I have tried to teach him the things he needs to know to be a respectful young man. I tell him that it is much easier for him when he does something wrong to tell me then let me find out. I teach him about respect and believing in God. Teach them in the way they should go when they are young and they will not depart from it. I like that saying. Take care.

[Lori Lawsll]

Hi Bingkee,
I don't have kids, so I'm not on the front lines.
But I know raising moral kids that have values, here in America, is an ever-increasing problem. The only thing I am sure of is what God says, and our society has chosen to disregard that...hmmm...Is that just maybe, the problem?

According to Him, Raising a child w/ godly moral values starts at home...you have the right idea! God bless your ability to have children. I'll be praying for you:)

[jessica]

hi. i like your post. my parents brought me to ny when i was still in grade school in the 80s. imagine trying to fit in in 80s! i had my moments and my parents tried the sending me back to the philippines deal. you know it doesnt work! hahaha

my parents are good people and they showed me through example. they were patient enough and made time out of their busy schedule to teach me about the philippines and our people and make me proud of who i am. it made me feel secure about myself and not feel inferior towards my "white" classmates. i think this is why some fil am kids "act up". its because they somehow lose their identity and assimilate how their white counterparts act and behave towards authority. it is not entirely their fault as parents do sometimes try to "lose their accent" in more ways than one.

during high school, we met this filipino family at a party. theyve only been in the US for 6 months and already the mom was complaining about how her daughter was behaving. every time she scolded her daughter, she (12 years old at the time) would pick up the phone and mouth off 911. i thought that was ridiculous. that she would feel so threatened by her own child.

this stuck with me all these years and now that i am a mom myself (i have a 12 year old son and 6 year old daughter), i do what my parents did and reinforce it by making them feel good and proud of themselves.i dont mean being overly patriotic or anything like that. i cant blame the school system here for having lack of values teaching and what not. everything starts at home. whatever they see from their peers is inconsequential if they have the right foundation. dont go pointing your finger at anyone unless youve looked at yourself in the mirror. and i realize there is only one thing to tell my kids when they "forget". ive told them time and again, "go ahead and call 911. then what? the cops come and take me away and lock me up. then what? no one will be taking care of you so you will be placed in a shelter or home for abused children (no i dont abuse my kids heehee just an example) or in a foster home. then what? how do you know your life will be any better with strangers? i get upset when you do bad things and thats because i care about you. do you think that these strangers, who will take you in, care about you the same way? you dont know these people and what they can do to you!" it is pretty scary if you think about it. being sent to the philippines is a vacation compared to the consequences of making a 911 phonecall.

well, this works for me. and for my kids, making that 911 call is not even an option. unless its a matter of life and death, now thats a different story.

[mtyler77]

Hi Bingkee,

I finally had a chance to catch up again with your blog (life is hectic these days with the new semester starting).

I don't have kids but I work with children who have severe behavioral problems and I have found that around 90% of the cases I work with have problems with parental support in the home. Raising kids is hard work--and the most important job ever. I really believe that every potential parent should take a parenting class so they really understand the ramifications of not being there for your child.

Best Regards,

Melinda

[Scott Becker]

All I can say is that I have 2 kids that I am sending to the Philippines. Unreal the stories that you have mentioned here about calling 911. I don't have any experience with kids and 911, but the attitude of kids here and the lack of discipline is disgraceful. When I grew up children learned to respect their parents. Now it, a whole different story. It's like children are the boss and tell their parents what they can and can not do. I have never been to the Philippines, but if kids are raised there the way you say, I'm on my way to buy plane tickets.
Thanks Bingkee for a very interesting post!

[Leyn]

Hay this reminds me of the question I asked to the fellow Moms in my team. "What age should we start discipling them". Now that Gaeb is a toddler (a very headstrong one at that), I'm beginning to have these kinds of question. The last time we were together, I was pretty amazed that he can now throw a huge tantrum to get my attention. One time he had "nightmares" and was screaming so long and loud that I find myself very helpless. Other times, he'd want to eat or drink that is on my list of "no-no's" and it becomes a battle of will. An example is his love for drinking ice cold "coke" or calling out to the Mamang sorbetero. He'd really go after the icecream cart and say "Cream...cream".

I guess this generation may have changed a lot from the old times when our parents will only look at us in a certain way and we'd know that we did something to displease them. As my sis would love to say the "Makuha ka sa Tingin" look.